- Twelve Drummers Drumming, probably to rub into my face that I had to sell my drum set so we could get the plasma T.V.
- Eleven Pipers Piping, And they can't even harmonize,
- Ten Lords A-Leaping, who serve no purpose that I can see for upwards of four digits a day.
- Nine Ladies Dancing, I don't need this many prostitutes... not on my salary... leave them to Hugh.
- Eight Maids A-Milking, who didn't come with their own cows I'd like to point out,
- Seven Swans a-swimming, thus ruining out water supply and making me spend vital money on evian.
- Six Geese a-laying, four of which can't handle the lords in my home office so the stress has caused them to stop "a-laying" which was the only reason they were at all useful.
- Five Golden Rings, which lose at least 35% of their value at resale,
- Four Calling birds, who are impossible to catch and eat
- Three French Hens, one of which has gone bad in the fridge since we haven't had time to eat managing all these extraneous expenses.
- Two Turtle Doves, delicious, but I'm fairly certain that she lied when she said she poached them in the back yard... these were real and I can't find the receipt.
- And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is why I murdered her... it was entirely warranted, and I hope you take this defense and brew over it.
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